With Love, I Let You Go
A letter to my old soulmate
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I need to know that you were real. That you actually loved me and showed me that I can love again. I need to know that you tried your hardest to change for you and me and us and that I wasn’t some pawn in this fucked up game of life you so easily played. I need to know that you tried but just weren’t ready to become the butterfly we both dreamed you could be.
Because if none of this was real for you, it means I held onto hope for all the wrong reasons. It means you played me so hard, I’ll never fucking trust again. It means I loved myself so little that I was willing to lose myself to show you pure love — agape love.
Do you even know what agape means? Or was that all part of your game, also?
You told me you meant it when you said “I love you.” That you wanted me forever. That I was your one. Not just one but soulmate. You told me you wanted health and stability and a wife and kids. You said you wanted to fall asleep with me every night so you could see me first thing when you would awaken. You said you wanted to leave behind the bad and to start anew with me.
But your words were empty.
You showed me your truth, little by little, day by day.
It started when you cut out the temporary yet necessary hindrance in your life. You couldn’t even let life guide you toward the light for more than a few days.
Maybe it was me enabling you, telling you I’d love you always. Maybe it was all in the timing, and our timelines simply didn’t align. Maybe it was because you never had anyone by your side (in a positive manner), and I scared you.
You kept saying you were “too much” for me, but maybe it was I who was “too much” for you.
Take away addiction, and you’d be mine forever. But maybe not. We’ll never know because it’s too late. You chose your addiction. And sadly, it wasn’t me. I chose my addiction. And sadly, it was you.
Until it wasn’t…
I know my worth now, thanks to you. I know what I want from a man but more importantly, I know what I don’t want. I know what I’m willing to sacrifice for those I love (but don’t worry — I’ll only compromise from here on out). I know that…
